When God's plan isn't obvious

Ever have one of those days where you feel as though Murphy has taken up residence with you and is planning a one-mad catastrophe? Does it seem as though this unilateral wrecking ball has been given permission to assert control over every situation because we are so preoccupied with the impending initial disaster and the impending doom of another that we dare to shift our focus to something more positive?

Are we masters at making too much of any one situation n the first place as we allow our emotions into the driver’s seat and throw reasoning out the window because it was making too much noise?

I often wonder how I have allowed myself to succumb to the place where fear and anxiety have taken the place of logic and critical thought. I also wonder where I have placed God in the middle of all my calamities.

Being in charge of our lives is what lends us to be creatures of habit. I dare say even Type B personalities may find it difficult to relinquish control while waiting impassively for something new to emerge.

The last five years I have spent in a rut while the words “Be still” echo through my ears. I have prayed for relief from this unhappiness and what seems to be an endless season, yet stillness and quiet hold me captive. I look forward to when I can spend my days not being held captive by thought or emotion but by being the stereotypical soccer mom driving to and fro. More than anything else in the past, I want this season to be prominent and not just a dream. I year to be rid of the stress and anxiety which keep me from living my life to the fullest.

I have a tendency to get overly emotional and sympathetic. This offers the ideal environment for the development of secondary trauma and compassion fatigue in addition to my own mental torment. I have plenty of my own ghosts but nonetheless make room for other’s demons. I sometimes think this is a form of self-punishment for my inadequacies.

Am I a fool to believe that starting anew will end the years-long conflict I have had with myself? Is there happiness in all things or only some things? I believe the choice to be our own. Through lots of prayer and hard work.

It is possible that whatever it is that makes me miserable today will be gone tomorrow with something that makes me incredibly pleased. This is where our choice enters into the picture. It is up to us to constantly remind ourselves that God is in charge. We all experience these moments as though the world is kicking the stuffing out of us because we are human. We must decide to keep moving forward and look for something for which to be grateful.

I am convinced that a new season is coming. I am hopeful for a newfound sense of purpose, quality time with my husband and children, and new experiences that will allow us to make lasting memories during this season, even if I am unsure of what it will bring.