We claim falsely to be teachers of truth and faith, abiding by a just and moral code, but we invent deception as justification to disobey our own advice, making us authors of our own misfortune. We hold tightly to the reigns of control and power to not show others how weak we really are. We create a breeding atmosphere of disaster by not letting go of the control we were never meant to have. I am the first to acknowledge that I have a type A+ mentality and am a master of overanalyzing. I clutch to the idea of control, so fiercely it has become an integral part of who I am.
I’ve prayed to God to remove from me the need to always be in charge. I’ve lamented that I lost sight of myself along my journey due to my actions and attitude. I’ve traveled so far down the path of control that I don’t see a way to revert back to the person I was supposed to be and the calling I was given. I listen to sermons and read scripture, praying continuously for direction and peace, almost feeling as if God is not listening (a true testament to God’s perfect timing).
I felt compelled to talk about something that occurred this Sunday during church. As the worship team began the service, the lead singer apologized for the first service’s difficulties and promised to be in a place of worship that he felt was lacking. The song began, and problems were not forgotten in his mind as words were unsung. The Holy Spirit’s movement about him was so palpable. My struggle with control issues began to rear its ugly head, which caused me to start crying alongside him.
A woman came up to me and said she was sorry for interrupting, making known she was willing to be incorrect about what she was about to tell me. This woman had heard a word from God specifically for me. She wanted me to know that it was okay to relinquish control and affirmed that life was not always about me needing to make things right. The Holy Spirit’s confirmation of my pleas to surrender control hit me unexpectedly and violently. The thought of God revealing my darkest, most intimate secrets to someone else made me feel like I would throw up. After years of trying to conceal my disappointment of being a control freak, the Holy Spirit disclosed it in just one word.
So where do I go from here? I have gorged myself on earthly goods for so long that almost nothing in life fills me up anymore. Time to put away the fork and knife, get up from the table, and return to the voyage planned for me before I believed I could complete it on my own. Being a control freak has facilitated upheaval and unhappiness. In contrast to my attempts to claim credit for doing something, the Holy Spirit shows me that God alone will receive glory through it.
Psalm 26:12 – Do you see a person wise in their own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for them
When God's plan isn't obvious 