Do you remember your chase? The one involved in pursuing your love, whether unrequited or pursued with equal fervor? Almost exhaustively? There was nothing you wouldn’t have done to gain their attention. Personally, I pursued an unrequited love for a while. I didn’t think of myself as someone worth pursuing but I didn’t think I was an awful choice. In my hunt for love, I stalked my prey learning as much as possible. I learned he was a massage therapist and decided I would have to lose at least 10 pounds before I would grace his table with my feeble attempt at being noticed.
After some time, I professed my feelings to him in a playful, flirtatious way. Several adult beverages later, he gave me the, “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. He didn’t care for where he was in life and declared he needed a better car and not live with his mother first. Jokingly, I responded with a snide remark about those just being bonuses to me. Even though there was no mutual feeling, I continued encouraging a relationship. Although he politely declined, he wanted to remain friends.
I think one would agree after several letdowns, albeit polite, one should move on and stop making a fool of oneself. The proverbial barking up the wrong tree was not as apparent to me. I was unphased by the lack of returned interest as I felt my heart telling me the opposite of what I thought my mind already knew. I sometimes thought I was making something out of nothing but was too scared to stop.
We shared a mutual acquaintance who suggested he either “poop” or get off the pot and stop leading me on. This friend thought it wasn’t right of him to continue to flirt as if he wanted a relationship and continue to thwart advances. Eventually, we would enter into a relationship where the pursuit was still one-sided. I would admit that it was nearing an unhealthy focus I had. I went to where he was, and sought after him as if nothing else mattered. I would stay till all night talking to get home in time for a shower and my next shift at work. After a month of selfless giving, I decided I was unwilling to continue this pursuit.
A month passed with little to no word and then suddenly there was a shift. We began dating again and were married a little over two years later. This dogged hunt has become a joke between us after 15 years. One we tell as if no feelings were attached. I find myself searching for answers on how such a quest for a communal relationship has fallen into a mundane existence. Why did the hunt end? Did all the fun extinguish once the hunt was over and the prey caught? Why do we just stop trying so hard?
15 years together, 13 married, 3 children, 6 dogs (not all at the same time), and several fish (a lot fewer as we can’t seem to keep them from perishing). I’d say that over the 15 years we have both grown. Sometimes we have grown in the same direction, or at least parallel, and other times we just grow apart. The children have become the sole focus, with two of the three being special needs. Our quest for each other was placed on hold. Is this the way it is supposed to transpire? Do we just allow the others to grow on their own and hope we still have a place at the table? Why do we stop trying to hold together the relationship, in the same manner, we tried to start the relationship?
Little things turn into big things, anger turns to resentment, and you are baffled at how irritated you have become over nothing. Then you start to challenge the whys…why did you pursue so relentlessly when it was unrequited? Why did the things you loved most about the other become the things that drive you the craziest? Why do you find it so hard to compromise when that would be the easiest solution with the least heartache?
“The cycle of life is not all hearts and roses… so when misfortunes occur we have to learn to accept it as a learning and growing experience. Life is a series of experiences that we should cherish and learn from.”
Beth Elkassih
You have to grow through what you go through to grow. I often ponder if there is such a thing as unconditional love. I find this concept a difficult one. I know our Father in Heaven loves unconditionally, but I am not sure we have the capacity for such an errorless way. We hold grudges, blame, and tirelessly search for deeper meaning within the relationships we have spent immeasurable amounts of time molding and shaping. Unconditional love, that which has no strings nor holds boundaries, is a love I long for, one I long to give. Am I the only one who feels as if living intentionally is the best that I can do?
I am more determined than ever to remove the shackles of doubt and despair, the chains of worthlessness and shame, the enslavement of failure and strife, and live intentionally. Take each day as if it were my last, loving like tomorrow is not promised, holding tightly to the beautiful gifts I have been given in my husband and children. Reminding myself that I haven’t made it this far by happenstance. Each step is a journey is reliant upon moving forward and not backward. There are no easy days. Love is not given; it is fought for. Should be fought for…with every fiber of your being; unconditionally or just on purpose
When God's plan isn't obvious 