I could probably come up with a million examples of how my striving for perfection has wreaked havoc in my life. Self-denial is a prominent character I possess which is counterproductive to understanding no pinnacle of perfection will be reached. Perfection is sought in such an unhealthy way in my life, which lends itself to self-loathing.
I invariably search for understanding within that leads to setting more unattainable goals. It is possible that I set such standards to prove to others that I am capable of doing something with my life. Do I long for others’ approval and appreciation so much that I debase myself when they aren’t forthcoming ? Do I wish for someone to provide accolades, so I feel more important? More important than what? What am I searching for in life that continues to elude me? Am I the only one that hopes for someone to notice me and then when that comes to fruition, I play it off as if I am nothing short of a lesser compliment or tell the giver of said compliment that they are just plain crazy? Why?
Why do I masquerade as a well-put-together, strong, independent person while internally clinging to a frail construct of who I feel I am? My inside is so far removed from the person I am portraying on the outside that I have trouble reconciling who it is I really am.
I have filled voids in my life for so long with menial tasks, unnecessary materialistic objects, and aforementioned laurels. I conjecuture that this self-destructive behavior is lessening as I come to terms with those people I seek approval from are not who I am living for. I am learning that God is the only One whom I should be seeking approval from. I need to step away from the fleshly chains that bind me to acceptance by those who are drowning in the water next to me.
When God's plan isn't obvious 