“I think I would like to do that when I grow older.” “The only reason that person can do it is because she is pretty. You might want to find something else to do with your life.”
A universal constant in my life has been taht I have allowed other’s opinions of me to affect how I live my life. I can’t trace back to the origin of this caustic way of living, I just know it has been present, in the forefront, reigning over me, as long as I can remember.
After years of therapy, I have become in tune with myself, learning the rawness of where my competitive spirit came from. The need to be noticed. The need to do the next best thing that wil get me noticed. Not in a notoriety sense, but in a way that makes me not feel invisible. I cannot seem to let go of things that people have said. I fixate on the why, never really knowing that the other actor in the story has moved on and cares little to nothing, dare I say, about how I am feeling about what they have said.
My whole adult life has been based on competition. I wish I had an opponent other than myself, but alas, it is just me in this silly game of “who is Amanda”? I listen to the rhetoric of garbage being spewed about how i could do better if I just… How I could make more friends if I weren’t so… How I could do my job better if I managed… It seems everyone has a better way, making my way feel insignificant and meaningless. What I especially love, is when people want to tell you how poorly you are doing something and they have NEVER even done it; probably don’t have the backbone to do what you do anyway, but boy can they tell you that you have your head up your rearend and have facts (loosely said with eye roll) to back up their opinion.
I tell you dear reader, where there is truth, there is no darkness! (a point further brought home during an amazing sermon today. Thank you Pastor!) Fads shift, change, got into extinction, only to have the fan flamed into a quasi-resurrection, to only change and be snuffed out again. The Word of God will never change. Instead of clinging to the life line I call friends and counselors, I should seek ye first the Kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto me!
I question if I really am intelligent sometimes. If I know what people say should matter none, and I know I should obey the Lord, and I have seen SO MANY times that the Lord has always provided and has never left me without, I should KNOW that I should do all this first. I hate to say I am only human and will continue to trudge through life learning lessons that come at a high price because I let me get in the way of me.
My least favorite thing is when people say, “If you truly knew God”, “If you really believed that God did …”, “If you really were a Christian, this life wouldn’t be so hard.” “If you truly knew God you wouldn’t struggle, be depressed, feel alone, etc.” My answer to them is, “Imagine where I would be if I DIDN’T have God!” “Imagine how I would make it throught (insert situation) if I didn’t truly know God.
Some may be right. Some may have valid points and concerns just lack the intellect to say so in a manner that doesn’t cut like a knife. I challenge us all to stop thinking so much about what others say about you, what others feel about you, what others THINK they could show you that would make you a better you.
Get out of the boat! God is reaching His hand to us, asking us to listen to HIM and not the world. Waiting to guide us along the path that He has created for us. This world does sting. It was not promised by God that we would be given the roadmap of life and that it would be replete with rainbows and candy canes. NO! He promised that this life would be hard and that we would have troubles. He also said, “Take heart, I have overcome the world!”
GET OUT OF THE BOAT!!!
When God's plan isn't obvious 