When God's plan isn't obvious

I constantly tell the children, “You need to be patient.”

“Mommy, I’m hungry.”

“Please be patient.”

“Mommy, can I have?”

“Please be patient.”

“Mommy…”

Why do we expect others to do what we find so difficult for ourselves to do? My most arduous struggle in life has been patience. Ok, maybe one of the hardest. I find myself seeking God in times of trouble, placing my complaint, request, and sometimes praise into His nicely labeled inbox. I often find myself sneaking back to His inbox to remove something I think He is taking too much time with. I used to imagine God sitting on His throne, feet wrapped gently around the armrest, sipping on the cleanest crispest spring water, reading my request as if it were the Sunday paper, with no care in the world.

I will not bury the lead and tell you that I now know that is just not the case. God is perfect in His timing, and His answers are always yes and amen. Those answers may not look what I imagined them to be, and sometimes I am flabbergasted at the turn my path has taken, but I have learned to trust that God always has my best interest in mind.

How many young girls will agree that they had their children’s names picked out at a young age? I. like many, had my children’s names decided at the mere age of seven. I c not tell you where the names came from or why I chose them, other than my son’s middle name. I wanted y first son to have my father’s middle name. I dreamt f having a softball team but only picked out two names. The first two players on my team would be a boy and a girl, 2 years apart. The boy first so he could protect his younger sister…

Many years of struggling to have children led to doubt and confusion. I prayed and prayed Psalm 37:4 – Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. I stoppe at that verse, not going back and reading in context.

1 Do not fret because of those who are evil
    or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass, they will soon wither; like green plants, they will soon die away.

³ Trust in the Lord and do good;
    dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ Take delight in the Lord; he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him, and he will do this:

It was the fretting evil and committing to the Lord that I was missing the most. I filled my life with empty veiled recreations; drinking, men, anger, and carelessness. I met a onderful man who I pursued more than he followed me. We had a rocky start, but we ended up marrying. Soon aft , we decided to try and have children. Long story short, after many years of trying, we decided to try artificial insemination. After the fifth time, we decided we should try invitro. Knowing it was a very expensive undertaking, we decided it was something that we wanted to try.

At this point, I began to get depressed. I wrestled internally with what kind of person I must be that God would punish me in such a gut-wrenching way. After the first round of invitro, which did not take, I found myself pregnant! I found myself spitting in the face of science. Finally, our prayers had been answered, and I didn’t need to do things MY way. I should t have wasted all that money and time…

After 3-4 months, I found myself in horrible pain. A trip t the Dr. showed that I had an ectopic pregnancy. Science rearing its ugly head spitting in my face. Spitting n the face of God. How could this be happening? I w given the option to take a pill that would cause a miscarriage or a surgery that would result in any chance of ever being pregnant. Of course, I chose the pill. Ano er month passed, and I found myself being rushed into emergency surgery to remove the only tube I had left. The pregnancy was too far along and would be very detrimental to me if I didn’t have the surgery.

I sank further into depression. My husband and I fought. I thought he blamed me for not being able to provide him children. All his brothers had given their parents grandchildren, and here I was broken. No grandchildren for my parents, no children that would take care of me when I was old.

Our pastor came to us months later with the news that a congregant was pregnant and was weighing options of adoption, abortion, or even keeping her child. We re told if she wanted to reach out to us, she was given our number, but it would have to be her decision. Imagine our surprise when she and her boyfriend reached out and asked for coffee.

We met, conversed, met again, and conversed some more. At 4 months pregnant she told us we could adopt her child! I went to several doctor’s appointments, I heard the heartbeat, and we even named this unborn beauty. A sonogram picture hung on the refrigerator with his name. The name I chose at seven years old. 4 weeks before our first son was to be born, the young lady changed her mind. Did I mention it was during the mother’s day service at church? How could I be upset that this woman wanted to keep her child? I mean, she wasn’t opting for an abortion…

My world spiraled out of control. Instead of calling out to God, I screamed at Him. I fought to find a reason to get out of bed. I pondered how much better my husband would be without me since I was a total failure.

Another painstaking year passed, and the pain grew even more robust. My husband and I were approached by another couple who wanted to surrogate for us. At the first Dr. appointment, we found out that she was pregnant with their own child.

At this point, seven and a half years had gone by. All of this suffered for the first seven years of our marriage. I couldn’t bring myself to get up. I couldn’t make myself happy enough to make anyone else happy. I had never been so depressed.

Is this the epitome of patience or is this the very definition of not being able to get out of your own way? I began to see that I was doing what I thought needed to be done to bring children into our lives. I was acting as if I was God. I had no more patience…

To be continued…